Photo: Jocelyn Prescod/Bravo
The most fascinating person to ever appear on television is objectively Britani Bateman, who won over the hearts and minds of the entire nation from the second she twirled into frame. Between her many “announcements,” her heart-hands to Jared Osmond, and her high body count hair, there was no shortage of iconic Britani moments, and now, finally, she’s joining the women on the reunion stage. “I get no grand entrance?” she says in her Disney princess voice upon taking her seat on the couch.
As we know, Britani had arrived wearing the exact same dress as Angie, but, in a graceful move, she immediately ceded the look and made a costume (or rather outfit) change. “Even after I talked about her hair, thank you,” Angie tells her. Speaking of which, she’s also notably not rocking high body count hair today, thanks to a visit to Angie’s salon, Lunatic Fringe, a name we don’t spend nearly enough time talking about. To quote Angie, she looks like a mother.
For better or worse, one of the many things Britani brought to the show this season was Mormon royalty: an Osmond. But after displaying her tumultuous relationship all season, she assures us firmly that she and Jared are officially done and have been broken up since June. The words are barely out of her mouth before a chyron appears at the bottom of the screen with an editor’s note that reads, “Since the reunion, they’ve gone Instagram official … again.” This is exactly why Britani needs to be on television — she gives us so much story that production can barely keep up.
As we know, there’s no love lost between Jared and the other women, so when the subject comes up, they’re quick to pile on. Bronwyn leads the charge, pulling up vicious tweets and DMs that he sent attacking her, but Heather points out that she did go on national television to say he has a micropenis. Oh, are women not allowed to have hobbies? This was a claim made during the after-show, which has now come up multiple times. I usually don’t consider Bravo’s after-shows to be required viewing, but in Salt Lake, there’s so much drama that their after-show is apparently birthing entirely new storylines. Not only that, but production flashes back to never-before-seen footage/audio of someone telling Bronwyn this information at a party. Our cup runneth over.
“I would never put ‘Osmond’ and micropenis in the same sentence out of respect for the goddamn Osmond name and legacy,” Heather says, clutching her heart at the thought. Anybody who’s seen Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat would agree. But I think the Osmond legacy, the peak of which was Marie fainting on Dancing with the Stars, is much more tarnished by the messages Jared sent to Bronwyn. He guarantees he’s twice the size of any man she’s ever been with, calls her a low vibrational human, and says he could just as easily pick apart all of her anatomy. Even Britani thinks this is low and reaffirms that this is why they’re 1,000 percent over. And if you recall from above, they are, in fact, now back together.
Nobody moves throughout the world quite like Britani, and a great example of this is her penchant for burying the lede — like when she casually mentioned halfway through the season that she’s estranged from her daughters. Usually, that’s something the show would cover in our first introduction of a new cast member, but in Britani’s case, it was only ever brought up in passing. While she tells us things have improved greatly, she drops the bomb that Bronwyn is the reason for the estrangement. Huh?
We have one cast member blaming another for their daughters not speaking to them, and we didn’t even get around to covering it on the show until the reunion? Once again: Cup! Runneth! Over! Britani says Bronwyn used mutual friends who seemingly were caring for Britani’s kids to pour fuel on the fire. These friends apparently told Britani’s daughters lies about what their mother was saying about them on the show, which exacerbated the estrangement. But weren’t they estranged before filming even began? Yes! But let’s not bring silly details like logic and timelines into this. I’m just happy things are better, and hopefully we get to see that relationship continue to mend next season.
But as we know, the most vicious attack Bronwyn faced this season wasn’t from Britani or Jared, it was from that damn dog. She explains the story in more depth, which leads to a conversation about what to do if you’re mauled by a dog. This is exactly the kind of thing I want to hear The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City discuss. When Bronwyn says that you’re supposed to touch its butthole, Mary firmly disagrees. “The butthole doesn’t work,” she warns solemnly, and watching Angie’s eyes dart around at this comment brought me unprecedented levels of joy. Instead, Mary says, you’re supposed to choke the dog out. Dogs beware … do not attack Mary M. Cosby, because if you come for her, she’ll send Jesus after you.
Speaking of people you don’t want to come for, we just briefly touch on Britani’s claim that she overheard Meredith throwing up in her room on the cast trip. “I’m sorry, but the sound of someone throwing up is indistinguishable,” Britani says, a sentence that I believe means the opposite of what she intended to say.
But we don’t linger on this because, in true RHOSLC style, we have to shift focus to the sprinter van and Britani’s “secret recording.” She gave many excuses in the moment. Was she making a video to congratulate her daughter Olivia? Recording the scenery? Saving it for later? All of the above, she tells us. Personally, I think what Britani should have done was bring the receipt to end all reunion receipts: the math test that Olivia allegedly got a hundred on. At the very least, it should be preserved for the Bravo Museum.
Unsurprisingly, nobody believes her, and she alleges that editing made it look like she was recording for longer than she was. Andy defends production, as he is wont to do, and they replay the footage, along with a timer, to show exactly how long she was recording. The time? Twenty-four seconds. Alright, give me a break, that’s nothing! Justice for Britani! I’ve recorded the inside of my pocket for longer than that by accident. That’s not even long enough to monetize it as a TikTok. Nonetheless, Mary still drags her and rebuffs her attempt at friendship, brutally telling her she can’t take on “another wreck.”
Speaking of wrecks, we find out that Meredith got a call from Jen Shah in prison, and Whitney doesn’t understand how that’s any better than her talking to Monica. Well, Meredith explains, she didn’t reach out to Jen to dig up dirt. But Mary also takes issue with Meredith over this, saying she wouldn’t take that call because Jen tormented them all. Unfortunately, this conversation became about Meredith taking the call and not about the content of the call itself, which I was much more interested in hearing about. I guess we’ll have to wait until November 2026 to hear more from Jen.
Finally, the conversation turns to the hellish game that Heather decided to end the season with, where she had everybody share the nastiest texts they’ve sent about one another. To her credit, Andy points out that for the first few turns, it seemed to have been working. Whitney even says that reading Heather’s mean message finally validated how she suspected Heather felt and gave them the ability to repair those trenches between them — just as Heather (or the producers who came up with the game) intended! But as we know things fell off the rails when Whitney shared her text accusing Lisa and John of having a threesome. Oops!
This eruption continues in full force on the reunion stage because, as you can imagine, Lisa isn’t so eager to forgive and move on. I think a big part of what’s going on here, and something that isn’t being fully articulated, is that Lisa thinks Whitney bringing that message to the table wasn’t really her asking for forgiveness but was rather an excuse for her to share it on camera. Oftentimes, on these shows, the worst offense isn’t the attack itself; it’s making the attack on camera.
Plus, she explains that for six years, she’s been able to take everything people have thrown at her on this show, but the one thing she can’t handle is when people come for John, Jack, or Henry. That’s something she can’t easily “burn” and let go of, no matter what the rules of the game may want her to do.
Whitney is clearly seeking a make up moment, even crossing the stage to sit next to Lisa, but it seems unlikely that she’s gonna get one. They’re just out of sync. Lisa is still at the climax of this conflict, while Whitney is cooled off and ready to move on. When this becomes clear to Andy he finally gives up and asks if they can just skip trying to resolve this one.
But then, when we least expect it, there’s a ray of light shining through the storm. They acknowledge that they both have a soft spot for one another, something that I hope to see evidence of one day, and Lisa says, “We will have disagreements in the future, but I do love you.” How’d we get here? Whitney says she has love and respect for Lisa as well, and it seems like, against all odds, peace has randomly been achieved. Even so, it’s the tensest truce I’ve ever seen, with them each promising not to commit their respective offenses again while in the same breath threatening the other if they go back on their word. Incredible television.
Since the finale ended with everybody saying the worst things possible about each other, it’s only right that the reunion attempts to correct the course and concludes with them all sharing compliments. But by this point, Britani, as a Friend Of, has already left the stage. “I should be out there,” Britani says from off stage directly into her own camera, in a shot we’re so incredibly blessed to be given by genius producers. “I want some nice stuff said about me, too; it’s not fair!” But fear not, Britani, I was able to deliver your share of compliments in the form of this recap. She was a top-tier addition to this perfect cast, who together created an iconic season of television.
